


The Nutcracker, the Mouse King, and Rivers of Blood

by Anti_kate



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-18 12:10:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21660619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anti_kate/pseuds/Anti_kate
Summary: Nanny tells Warlock a story based very, very loosely on The Nutcracker. Warlock decides it needs a happier ending.Written for Drawlight’s 31 Days of Ineffables challenge.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 55





	The Nutcracker, the Mouse King, and Rivers of Blood

“Nanny,” Warlock wheedled, showing no signs of drowsiness whatsoever even though he was freshly bathed, in his favourite pyjamas, and firmly tucked into bed, “can I please please please have one more story?”

Nanny Ashtoreth looked at the watch at her wrist - a black and rose gold Bulgari Serpenti Spiga that coiled down her arm - and gave a slight sigh. She had an appointment with a bottle of Hendricks as soon as Warlock went to sleep. He’d been an over-stimulated nightmare all week, and tomorrow was her day off and what she wanted more than anything in the world was to be drunk and unconscious for as much of it as possible.

“Of course, my dear,” she said instead. “Would you like to hear about the great star called Wormwood, or the locusts with men’s faces and lion’s teeth, or about the scarlet beast with seven heads and ten horns?”

Warlock sat up in his bed, scowling. “No! Tell me about the Nutcracker!”

Harriet Dowling had taken the boy into town to the ballet the evening before, but apparently Warlock had thrown a tantrum ten minutes in and missed the whole show, which was pretty much how Nanny had expected it to go. On a good day, Warlock had the attention span of a concussed duckling. On a bad day, full of sugar and up past bedtime, Warlock was a bloody nightmare, and seemed well on his way to becoming the devastation of all things.

Nanny sighed again, louder this time. “Fine, fine. Once upon a time there was a little boy-“

“Girl,” interrupted Warlock. “She was a girl.”

“A little girl, called-“

“Poohead,” Warlock said happily.

“Once upon a time there was a little girl who shall remain nameless for the purposes of this story. She lived in a beautiful house with her lovely family. One Christmas Eve her Papa gave her a toy nutcracker,” Nanny continued, firmly.

“What is a nutcracker, Nanny?”

Nanny rubbed at her head above her dark glasses. “It is a device for cracking nuts, Warlock, which for reasons to do with British Imperialism, looks like a regimental soldier.”

“I’m allergic to nuts, nanny.”

“I know, dear. Luckily, these are metaphorical nuts. Now as I was saying... in the middle of the night the girl woke up and saw the nutcracker had come alive, and was now the commander of an army of toy soldiers-”

“Nanny, how did the nutcracker come alive?”

“Magic. Anyway, as the girl watched from her bed, she saw the nutcracker and the toy soldiers line up in formation because at that moment-”

“Mummy says toy soldiers are too violent and I can’t have any.”

“And Mummy is, as always, completely correct. At that moment, the evil mouse king had invaded the girl’s house. There was a great battle.”

Warlock listened, his eyes wide, as Nanny described the action in great detail, including all the gory bits - impalings, disembowellings, limbs being hacked off, blood spurting everywhere, terrible cries of pain and terror, lots and lots of beheadings - which Warlock usually enjoyed. Tonight, however, a small frown creased his forehead.

Nanny ploughed on regardless, because she could almost taste her first gin and tonic.

“Finally, the mouse kingand his army were victorious. The mouse king - who had the advantage of being much cleverer than the nutcracker, as well as being unburdened by such foolish notions as honour or decency - ran the nutcracker through with his sword, and the remaining toy soldiers were forced to commit seppuku, which before you ask is a form of ritual suicide, dearest.

“And the girl was so impressed that she decided to run away with the Mouse King and become his wicked bride and help him take over the world, which ran with rivers of blood until the Mouse King had conquered everything, and stood astride the world as a furry colossus...”

“Nanny,” said Warlock, his face a little sad now. “I don’t like this story.”

“I thought you liked it when there were rivers of blood.”

“Yeah. But Brother Francis says that we should always be kind and nice to everyone, even people we don’t like, and that we shouldn’t slaughter the innocent and the weak just because we can, and that rivers of blood are yucky.”

Nanny sat back, crossing her arms. “Brother Francis is a raging hypocrite,” she said, her Scottish brogue slipping for a moment, her voice becoming a sibilant hiss.

“What’s a hippo creek, Nanny?”

“You should ask Brother Francis that in the morning. All right, if you don’t like my story, tell me how it should go.”

Warlock lay back against his tartan pillowcase. “I think the Mouse King and the Nutcracker should be friends, and run away from Poohead, and go live in a toy shop. The end.”

At that, Nanny gave a short, tired laugh.“All right, time for sleep. Tomorrow, why don’t you draw the story the way you want it to go, and then we can show Brother Francis.”

Warlock smiled at her sleepily, and slipped down beneath the covers. “Good night, Nanny.”

“Good night, my prince of darkness. Don’t forget, darling, that one day the whole world will tremble before you.”

“And I can live in a toy shop if I want?”

“And you can live in a toy shop if you want.”

‘“And you and Brother Francis can live there with me?”

Smiling a little, despite herself, Nanny stood, smoothed down her skirts, and kissed Warlock’s head.

“Yes dear, that sounds lovely,” she said, and turned off the light.

**Author's Note:**

> The Bulgari Serpenti Spiga watch is a real thing, and the black and rose gold version of it is a steal at only $16,000 Canadian dollars.


End file.
